The Golden Rule Is Ruining Your Fundraising

You learned the Golden Rule when you were approximately six years old.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

As a product of the Catholic school system, I learned it from Father Mike. And unlike Sister Mary who taught both math and English, he did not beat it into to me with a ruler.

To be fair, Sister Mary was absolutely correct that I was definitely passing notes in class and talking in the back with my friends. My bad Sister Mary.

Anywho, it’s a great rule and solid foundation. Kindergarten-level ethics that have served humanity reasonably well for a few thousand years.

And it is absolutely wrecking your donor relationships.

How about THAT for a twist?.

You like email. So you send your donors email.

You like newsletters. So you send your donors newsletters.

You like galas. So you invite your donors to galas.

You like handwritten notes. So you send your donors handwritten notes.

You like being thanked publicly. So you list your donors’ names in the annual report.

You’re treating them the way YOU want to be treated.

But here’s the question nobody asks:

Is that how THEY want to be treated?

Because maybe they hate galas, or they don’t read newsletters, or they find public recognition mortifying or they’d rather get a 90-second phone call than a four-page letter, or they want to be deeply involved in programming and nobody ever invited them.

Maybe they just want to write a check and be left alone until next year.

You don’t know. Because you never asked.

And THAT is the difference between the Golden Rule and what I’m going to lovingly call from now on, The Donor Rule.

The Golden Rule vs. The Platinum Rule vs. The Donor Rule

The Golden Rule: Treat others the way YOU want to be treated.

Good start. Well-intentioned. But it assumes everyone wants what you want. And they don’t.

The Platinum Rule: Treat others the way THEY want to be treated.

Better. Much much better. This is the upgrade, and requires you to actually learn about the other person instead of projecting your preferences onto them.

The Donor Rule: Lead with curiosity. Ask your donors how they want to be thanked, communicated with, involved, and celebrated, and then (hold on to your butts, this is crazy) do exactly that.

That’s the whole thing.

That’s the entire fundraising philosophy in one sentence. And it’s the principle that’s been running underneath every single blog I’ve written this year, even when I didn’t call it by name.

“Oh, sounds so easy Patrick, must be nice hoarding all these cool questions until you get a fee for service now that you’ve teased us about how neato this is!”

First off, how dare you. Secondly, I’m going to give you four questions right now because I’m certainly not gonna be associated with any pay-to-play shenanigans like when I download a free game on my phone and in order to get past that Super Mega Hard Level in Toon Blast you need to buy an Ultra Awesome Bonus Pack to get unlimited rainbow disco balls.

In fact, these items are so simple you’re going to think there’s a catch. There isn’t. The simplicity IS the power.

Ask your donors:

1.    “How do you like to be thanked?”

Some donors want a phone call. Some want a handwritten note. Some want an email with a photo of the impact. Some want to be left alone with a quiet receipt and the knowledge that they did a good thing.

You know what most nonprofits do? They send the SAME thank-you to every donor regardless of what that donor actually wants. A form letter. The same one. For the $25 donor and the $25,000 donor. For the person who craves connection and the person who values privacy.

That’s the Golden Rule at work - “I like getting thank-you letters, so I’ll send thank-you letters.” The Donor Rule says: ask first. Then deliver what THEY told you.

2.    “How do you prefer to hear from us?”

Email? Mail? Phone? Text? Drive-by high fives? Quarterly updates or just the annual appeal? Detailed program reports or a quick one-paragraph impact story?

Some donors want to hear from you every month. Some donors want to hear from you twice a year. BOTH are valid. But if you’re sending monthly newsletters to a donor who only wants the annual appeal, you’re not being consistent, you’re being annoying. And annoyed donors don’t renew. They unsubscribe.

The Donor Rule says: communicate on THEIR schedule, in THEIR preferred format, at THEIR desired frequency. It’s not harder. It’s just different. And it’s the difference between a donor who feels valued and a donor who feels spammed.

3.    “How would you like to be involved - if at all?”

This is the one that unlocks secret levels. Like those secret warp levels in Mario Bros. 3, where if you use the whistle on level 1, you certainly can’t get to level 5, you totally have to wait until level 3 to use it. And then you’re like, “thank God, I don’t have to speed run with that damn sun trying to fly into my face level.”

Some donors just want to write checks. Respect that. Don’t force them onto committees. Don’t guilt them into volunteering. Their money IS their involvement and it’s generous and valid.

But some donors are DYING to be more involved and nobody ever asked. They want to tour the facility. They want to meet the people they’re funding. They want to introduce you to their friends. Heck, they probably want to serve on a committee - not because you recruited them, but because they volunteered and nobody followed up.

The Donor Rule says: ask the question. And then, with all your active listening super-powers, hear the answer. Not the answer you WANT. The answer they GIVE. “If at all” is the key phrase. It gives them permission to say “honestly, I just want to give and stay in the loop” without feeling like they’re failing your expectations.

4.    “What do you love most about what we do?”

This is the entanglement question, and the one that makes donors feel SEEN.

Because when you ask someone why they care, they tell you a story. And that story - their connection to your mission, their personal reason for giving, the moment that hooked them - is the most valuable piece of donor intelligence you will ever collect.

It’s more valuable than their giving history, more valuable than their capacity rating, and more valuable than their board connections. Because their WHY is the key to every future conversation, every ask, every stewardship touchpoint.

When you know their why, you stop sending generic appeals. You start sending invitations that mirror their specific passion. And those invitations don’t feel like asks.

They feel like “this person actually knows me.”

Because you do. Because you asked.

Now, these are just four simple questions. And almost nobody asks them.

Why?

Because we’re afraid of the answer. What if they say they don’t want to be involved? What if they say they hate our newsletter? What if they say they only gave because someone guilted them into it? The questions feel risky because the answers might require us to change.

Because we’re afraid of the work. If 200 donors all tell you different preferences, you now have 200 different stewardship plans. That sounds like more work, not less. (It’s actually less work over time - because personalized stewardship retains donors and retained donors are cheaper than acquired donors. But the upfront investment feels heavy.)

Because we assume we already know. “Oh, Barb loves the gala. She’s been coming for ten years.” Have you asked Barb if she loves the gala? Or does Barb come because she feels obligated, and she’d actually prefer a coffee meeting and a direct ask? You don’t know until you ask. And you might be surprised how many “Barb loves the gala” assumptions fall apart when Barb finally gets a chance to tell you what she actually wants.

(Did I just win a bet on how many times I could tryp Barb in a blog? You bet I did. Pay up Logan.)

Now, the billion dollar question is, “How on earth am I supposed to do anything with this information now that it sits in my frontal cortex?”

I’m certainly not suggesting you call all 3,000 people in your database and ask them four questions. That’s not the Donor Rule. That’s straight up insanity.

Here’s how you do it in the real world:

Start with your Top 20. The ones whose relationships matter most and whose gifts have the biggest impact. Call them. Ask the four questions. Write down the answers. And then – THIS IS THE SUPER IMPORTANT PART - actually USE the answers. If they said they prefer phone calls, stop emailing them all the time. If they said they want to be more involved, invite them to something. If they said they just want the annual appeal and a thank-you, give them that and nothing more. Respect the preference.

Add the questions to your next interaction. Every coffee meeting. Every thank-you call. Every donor visit. Drop one of the four questions into the conversation naturally. “By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask - how do you prefer to hear from us? I want to make sure we’re communicating in a way that works for you.” One question per interaction. Over time, you build a preference profile for every major donor without ever sending a survey.

For Bucket 1 and 2, use a simple survey. A short, one-page, three-question survey included with your next appeal or thank-you: How do you prefer to be thanked? How often do you want to hear from us? What do you love most about our work? Make it easy. Make it optional. And for everyone who responds, note their answers and adjust your communication accordingly. Even a 15% response rate gives you actionable data you didn’t have before.

Track it somewhere. This is the unsexy part. Every preference you learn needs to go in your database. Not in your head. Not on a sticky note. In the actual record. “Prefers phone calls. Hates galas. Loves the youth program. Wants quarterly updates only.” That’s donor super intelligence. And it’s worth more than any wealth screening report you’ll ever buy. (Guys, Wednesdays are for Documenting a wise fundraising sage once wrote in a best selling book. You should take that guy’s advice.)

And Whatever You Do, For The Love of All That is Holy, Stop Telling One Story to All Your Donors

This is the Donor Rule violation I see more than any other. And it’s so common that most organizations don’t even realize they’re doing it.

You have a great impact story. A real one. A kid whose life changed. A family who got housed. A crisis that was averted. Powerful, emotional, true.

And you use it for EVERYTHING.

It goes in the annual appeal. It goes in the newsletter. It goes in the gala video. It goes in the grant narrative. It goes on the website. It goes in the email to every single donor on your list.

One story. One story for the donor who funds your youth program. One story for the donor who funds your food pantry. One story for the donor who cares about advocacy. One story for the donor who hasn’t told you what they care about yet because nobody asked.

One single story means you’re treating all donors as if they’re the same.

They’re not.

That’s Golden Rule storytelling: “I love this story, so everyone gets this story.”

The Donor Rule says: which story does THIS donor need to hear based on what THEY told you they care about?

Remember Question 4 - “What do you love most about what we do?” The answer to that question IS the story you tell that donor. If they said “I love the after-school program,” they get the after-school story. If they said “I care about food access,” they get the food pantry story. If they said “I believe in your advocacy work,” they get the advocacy story.

Same appeal. Different lead story. Matched to what they told you matters to THEM.

And if that sounds like a lot of versions - start small. You don’t need 97 versions. Start with two or three. Segment your donors by the program or priority they connect with most, and write a version of your appeal that leads with THEIR story.

Two versions of an appeal, each matched to the donor’s stated passion, will outperform one generic version sent to everyone. 

Every time.

Because the donor who opens a letter and sees “their” program in the first paragraph feels known. And donors who feel known give more, give longer, and give with joy instead of obligation.

If you have too many segments, well then simplify you silly goose!

Start with your Top 20 and your three buckets. Match each bucket to the story that resonates most with that level of engagement. Bucket 1 gets the broad mission story. Bucket 2 gets the specific program story they’ve connected with. Bucket 3 gets the deeply personal story that mirrors the conversation you had over coffee.

Three versions. Three stories. Three levels of personalization.

That’s not overwhelming. That’s the Donor Rule in action.

Now, to really bring this home, let me tell you what happens when you start enacting this, because I’ve watched it occur with every client who implements this.

Retention goes up. Donors who feel known stay longer. It’s that freaking simple. When someone receives a thank-you in the exact format they asked for, on the timeline they prefer, referencing the program they care about most, they don’t feel like a name on a list. They feel like a partner. Partners don’t leave. They stay. Like, for a long time.

Gifts go up. When you know what a donor loves about your mission, you can invite them into exactly that. The ask becomes specific, personal, and aligned with their passion. That’s not a solicitation. That’s a perfect match. And perfect matches produce bigger gifts because the donor isn’t giving to a generic cause because they’re investing in the thing they told you they care about most.

Your workload actually decreases. I know this sounds counterintuitive. But when you stop sending everything to everyone and start sending the RIGHT thing to the RIGHT person, you’re doing less. Fewer newsletters to people who don’t read them. Fewer event invitations to people who don’t attend. Fewer awkward follow-up calls to people who just wanted a receipt. The Donor Rule doesn’t add work. It eliminates waste. Look! I just took stuff off your plate!

The relationship deepens. This is the entanglement. When a donor realizes you actually listened - that you remembered their preference, that you honored their communication style, that you asked about the program they specifically care about - something shifts. They go from donor to advocate. From supporter to partner. From someone who gives to someone who belongs.

That shift is worth more than any gala, any appeal, any campaign you’ll ever run. And it starts with four simple questions that nobody else is asking.

The Golden Rule gave us good intentions.

The Platinum Rule gave us better awareness.

The Donor Rule gives us actual results.

Lead with curiosity. Ask before you assume. Deliver what they told you, not what you’d want if you were them. And watch what happens when your donors realize, maybe for the first time, that someone actually cares how THEY want to be treated.

It’s not sorcery, or a fancy CRM feature, or a new platform or a new strategy or a new framework.

It’s just asking. And then listening. And then doing what they said. Weird. It’s like, simple.

OK! Your turn!

Tell me:

Have you ever asked a donor how they like to be thanked? What did they say? And did it surprise you?

If you haven’t asked yet, pick one donor this week. Just one. Ask them one of the four questions. And then tell me what happened.

Send me your answer: patrick@dogoodbetterconsulting.com

And if you want the full Donor Rule toolkit, or the question frameworks, the preference tracking templates, the stewardship calendars built around donor preferences instead of your calendar - well that’s what we build inside Do Good YOUniversity. Curiosity-first fundraising. www.DoGoodYOUniversity.com

Together, we’ve freaking got this.

-Patrick

P.S. I have been sharing this quote in every presentation, training or speaking gig for nearly a decade: “Never ask for a major gift, unless you know the name of your donor’s dog.” It lands every time. Because it’s the best bit of advice I ever received, and now you have it in your brain too. It’s the Donor Rule. Now go out and use it!